Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the most intelligent, talented, prettiest and popular of us all?

Maumoon Abdul Gayoom.

As Asia’s longest serving dictator slides into old age and senility, it is becoming clear that his narcissism, and not Adam Zahir, is the key to his hold on power.

An early issue of Adduvas, then the darling of information minister Ibrahim Manik, unwittingly shed light on the personal vanity of Gayoom.

In a classic interview that should be reprinted for posterity, Gayoom is asked: You look very remarkably fit for someone your age. What is your secret?

Gayoom protests coyly: When I look in the mirror I see an old man…

It has now emerged that Gayoom asked to be interviewed. According to former Adduvas writers, he not only sent his answers in writing, but also wrote the questions himself.

Ibrahim Manik, also Gayoom’s brother-in-law, was the architect of the new tabloid culture pervading the Maldives. In an attempt to divert attention away from politics, the information minister reportedly paid glossies to have comely female “stars” on the cover, and to run gossipy articles about them. Soon Gayoom was feeling left out, threatened by the likes of Mariyam Nisha. So he dressed up the old wife like an Egyptian Pharoah, took a family photo, and sent it to the weekly with the largest circulation, along with the pre-written “interview”.

Most have commented that the interview was a response to the widespread speculation that Gayoom had ordered the use of public funds to bail out his son, who had been involved in a drug-induced accident overseas. In the piece, Gayoom famously claims that none in his immediate family so much as smoked a cigarette.

But for me, the fact that Gayoom’s very first questions concentrated on his looks was more revealing. Another slip was the admittance that he spent time looking at himself in the mirror.

Gayoom’s vanity has only recently surfaced. According to a source in Singapore, the Maldives dictator regularly visits a well-known skin clinic there and spends enormous sums on anti-ageing treatment.

But in the formative years of his rule, Gayoom was not too bothered about his looks. He was content to just wear his blue safari suit and being thought of as an intellectual. He gave a series of his now characteristic “water is a liquid” speeches, which impressed the inner circle of friends, mostly in-laws and family who were largely uneducated. Even important members of the Maldives Democratic Party then saw in Gayoom a new leader who was articulate and knowledgeable on every imaginable subject, from Islam to astronomy.

Basking in the adoration, Gayoom embarked on a speech spree. Youth are the future of the nation, he told large audiences, tourism is the golden goose of the country, fisheries its main artery. A few speeches on and some began to smell a rat.

Well-known poet and orator, Ibrahim Shihab said in a public speech, in Gayoom’s presence: “Our leader is so knowledgeable that he even knows the number of eggs laid by every hen in the country.” The sarcasm was lost on Gayoom, but most Maldivians got the joke. An observer remarked: Is Gayoom so stupid that he doesn’t know when he’s being asked to drink piss?

But Gayoom regarded his discourses as vital the education of Maldivians and never missed an opportunity to treat them to yet another banal, lengthy speech, even though TV footage often showed people yawned visibly in his face.

A former colleague of Gayoom was part of one of his early entourages into the atolls. Prior to departure, the dictator had given a radio interview. When the time came for it to be aired, he gathered everyone around him to listen to the interview. But what struck the colleague was when Gayoom collected the group a second time, to listen to the repeat broadcast.

Gayoom was convinced that he was a highly-gifted intellectual. From religion and photography to songwriting and cricket, he was determined to display every facet of himself to Maldivians. TV Maldives had to devote hours of its airtime to Gayoom’s cricket matches.

Ibrahim Shihab quipped: “Which other country in the world can boast of a leader who is leader not only of that country, but also cricket?” Gayoom’s cricket became a household joke and the cricket community laughed behind his back. A cricketer who played with Gayoom said that they had to “drop the ball” if they caught when Gayoom was batting.

People around Gayoom have been dropping the ball for so long that he would have no idea of what they really thought of him. He can’t play cricket to save his life, his speeches are banal, cliché-ridden drivel, he is bordering on dementia and his looks, never out of the ordinary to start with, have not improved with age. In fact, if recent photographs are anything to go by, he looks positively hideous, a caricature of a cheap third world dictator.

But narcissists don’t see beyond the illusion they have created for themselves and Gayoom, to my knowledge, has never been treated for his disorder.

The opposition can shout “Golhaaboo isthiufaa” till they are hoarse, Gayoom will not hear them.

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